Cute Geek No More

So last night i spent a lot of the time emailing cute geek. we argued at first and he told me he wish he never met me and that i was insane. yeah its pretty hard to handle when your trying to figure yourself out.
I know i did wrong in lying to him and im pretty much paying the price. Knowing someone you care about wont even allow you to see them for an hour...its hard to grasp.

I found out alot since he changed his number...different girls he has tried to get it on with while he was appartenly deciding if he wanted to be with me. honestly how can a guy care about you if he is trying to get into numerous girls knickers??? it just shocks me. ive known him for about 6 months and never in those 6 months have i felt like he cared about me. and i think thats made 'me' worse. i feel paranoid when i talk to him. he lies so much about who he is, where he has been. He made it hard for me to trust him and then he has a go at me about it! fair enough we were never together but jesus man give me some respect! if you wanna fuck around then tell me straight rather then sitting around saying i dont know what i want from you. jesus boy get some balls!!

Now he thinks im out to ruin his life....hardly....deleting girls off your msn profile cos u reckon u have no idea who they are...im not stupid.... im pretty much done trying to care about him. whats the point...
if someone can quite easily cut you out of their life then surely they never cared? he reckons he did but come on the evidence is there....it seems it was just sex and im back to square 1 :(

Todays a new day

Last night my brother had a girl who is a friend round...altho they should be getting together ;) haha anyway....she has something wrong with her....cant remember how to spell it so not going to embarrass myself! lol! but i finally told my brother whats been going on with me and that i think i may have bi polar...he then laughs and says this girls mum has bi polar and everytime she is described to him he sees alot of her behaviour in me....so he reckons i should talk to her mum about it and see what i can do....

its quite strange really because my mum is finding it awkward to be around me at the moment...in fear she will say something wrong...which she does do everytime lol! i dont blame her...she thought i was pregnant when i told her i needed to talk to her...

I think im coming to terms with knowing how i feel and knowing something isnt right...but what now? what do i do about it? i suppose a long awaited trip to the doctors and have that weird moment where you say doctor i feel crazy.

i find it hard writing on here sometimes...thinking who could be reading it, judging me. After the nasty formspring thing i had yesterday morning it makes me question everything....i mean they have said they are a friend of mine in the past and ive only confided in 1 friend that i think i have bi polar..... :S does it mean its her?

Trying to find the words

So trying to find the words when you tell your mum or dad that you think you have a mental illness.....my mum doesnt know what to say and she pretty much everytime says the wrong thing.....

after years of bullying when i was at school for having a messed up jaw (my bottom jaw was larger then my top jaw) ive become used to people making comments about me, saying nasty things. its hard to explain how i feel sometimes. After 2 days in hospital to fix my jaw i thought the comments, the bullying would stop.
But even now.....i am 22 and i still have the same silly girls at school making comments about me to my friends and obviously it gets back to me.

This formspring thing winds me up something crazy....why does anyone think they have the right to make someone feel so shit about themselves?? they have said in a previous post they are a friend of mine....this makes me seriously doubt everyone...i have a few ideas who it could be but i wouldnt think of them as friends....

Music my 1 healer

Ok so its nearly midnight on a sunday. i plug in my brand new Lady Gaga heartbeats into my laptop and shuffle my itunes.....i get nickleback animals. i shut my eyes and picture Chad Kroger driving madly with a girl in the passenger seat, then getting down and dirty when her father catches them....its amazing how easily music can shut me off from my life. i dont think about what i feel. i just switch and rock out to it....or dance to it. i just cant help but be happy when i hear music drumming through my ears

crazy really 

Waste Of Time

Been nervous all day about my talk with my parents :( my dad text me briefly this morning and he said he would help me....i then get home from work and my dad goes down the road to the shop...my mum tries to talk to me about it. but its clear she hasnt got a clue. she said you need to be friendly to people?? she clearly doesnt know me. i get on with most people and i enjoy having a laugh with friends....so what does that even mean??
i get moody and stressy cos something is up with me!!!
failed task. wish i hadnt bothered to be fair. after saying about 4 times i need to go to the doctors she finally agreed then said maybe they can put you on anti depressants for a little while....what the fuck??
you havent even talked to me about how i feel at all.

Future Of Cute Geek No More

I find it really hard not to think of msgs cute geek sent me when we first met...and seeing how they changed...first when he had sex with another girl and then as each girl came and went the msgs got worse. to the point he changed his number.
i like to think its totally unfair what he has done but most of me thinks he had every right. i was acting crazy.
i dont even bother taking my phone anywhere now. Just 1 blocked phone call could have stopped all this. if he just rang me saying he needed time away from me so we could maybe be civil in the future. but instead i get nothing. i didnt even realise he changed his number, still txting him. Till no response so i rang him and just cried. for hours. its hard.

ive tried emails and every other way possible. people have told me to go to his flat but he is the kind of guy who would just leave me on the doorstep while he is inside with another girl. thats how bad things are :(

i feel lost. like i dont know what to do anymore. im just glad i know something is wrong. but the worst thing cute geek ever said to me was that im crazy....that hurt more then anything he ever did

1 Crazy In Many

I got some advice from a friend saying writing a blog helped herget her feelings out etc etc i thought it was a good idea and here i am lol.
i dont care if noone reads it, its just nice to have a place to vent at the moment.

Well ive known for a while something is up with me, extreme moods swings, sudden distress, be extremely happy 1 min, then be crying the next. id like to think its because of the way ive been treated over the years by different people, bullying at school, guys messing me around. i never feel good enough because people never make me feel good enough.

Recently a guy ive been talking to for half a year decided to change his number and basically cut me out of his life because of the way i act. which i cant control. and thats the worst part....i cant control my sudden mood swings. ill be fine one minute the next texting him that i hate him. no wonder he never wants to speak to me again. its seriously hard knowing you have no control and you can see yourself destroying everything you have.
My best friend hates me for no utter reason other then she is a bitch. jealous of guys ive dated, jealous that i spend time with other people, picking me up and dropping me when she feels like it. Its just hard knowing someone you trusted can do that.
Like the guy who i should name utter pig but for this blog ill nickname him 'cute geek'....since he changed his number cos of me ive tried emailing...tweets stupid stuff. and he doesnt respond at all. its hard. really hard infact. ive cried pretty much non stop since he changed his number. and yet again i have no control over the situation. i moan and whinge saying he doesnt care about me...but why should he? seriously? ive done nothing but moan and hurt him. he hurt me to begin with and that just planted the seed that i wouldnt ever trust myself with him and that just made my situation worse.

im 1 of those people that will sit around and take everything someone does to me. i wont walk away. if i like someone i just cant walk away no matter how nasty they are to me. its hard. really hard.

After msging a close friend who has bi polar i decided it was time to confide in my parents.....the sad thing is they have no idea whats been going on with cute geek at all. i told them he just couldnt make up his mind. told them briefly about the other girls involved but other then that they thought we just saw each other now and then. not knowing that i was driving myself insane, non stop txting and just being a bitch basically.
i came in from work and saw a nice note from my mum saying they would be home from work at 4.....i left a note back saying 'we need to talk when your back, but dont push me ill write it if i have too' and my dad responded with a txt about an hour ago saying ive worried my mum :( and asking if im pregnant lol after convincing him im not....he admits he knows something is up with me and i havent been myself for ages. So it looks like im going to be getting the help and support i need


As for cute geek i have no idea whats going to happen. i try desperately to forget about him but after 6 months of feeling love for someone its seriously hard and upsetting. when you can feel your old self dying and this new monster growing its hard to control myself. i just wanna go down there and tell him how much i miss him and want him in my life. but i know i wont be accepted back. as far as im aware he has been messing about with other girls. so i need to keep thinking he didnt care about me to the point i hate myself again. because that just makes it easier. i just blame myself