I got some advice from a friend saying writing a blog helped herget her feelings out etc etc i thought it was a good idea and here i am lol.
i dont care if noone reads it, its just nice to have a place to vent at the moment.
Well ive known for a while something is up with me, extreme moods swings, sudden distress, be extremely happy 1 min, then be crying the next. id like to think its because of the way ive been treated over the years by different people, bullying at school, guys messing me around. i never feel good enough because people never make me feel good enough.
Recently a guy ive been talking to for half a year decided to change his number and basically cut me out of his life because of the way i act. which i cant control. and thats the worst part....i cant control my sudden mood swings. ill be fine one minute the next texting him that i hate him. no wonder he never wants to speak to me again. its seriously hard knowing you have no control and you can see yourself destroying everything you have.
My best friend hates me for no utter reason other then she is a bitch. jealous of guys ive dated, jealous that i spend time with other people, picking me up and dropping me when she feels like it. Its just hard knowing someone you trusted can do that.
Like the guy who i should name utter pig but for this blog ill nickname him 'cute geek'....since he changed his number cos of me ive tried emailing...tweets stupid stuff. and he doesnt respond at all. its hard. really hard infact. ive cried pretty much non stop since he changed his number. and yet again i have no control over the situation. i moan and whinge saying he doesnt care about me...but why should he? seriously? ive done nothing but moan and hurt him. he hurt me to begin with and that just planted the seed that i wouldnt ever trust myself with him and that just made my situation worse.
im 1 of those people that will sit around and take everything someone does to me. i wont walk away. if i like someone i just cant walk away no matter how nasty they are to me. its hard. really hard.
After msging a close friend who has bi polar i decided it was time to confide in my parents.....the sad thing is they have no idea whats been going on with cute geek at all. i told them he just couldnt make up his mind. told them briefly about the other girls involved but other then that they thought we just saw each other now and then. not knowing that i was driving myself insane, non stop txting and just being a bitch basically.
i came in from work and saw a nice note from my mum saying they would be home from work at 4.....i left a note back saying 'we need to talk when your back, but dont push me ill write it if i have too' and my dad responded with a txt about an hour ago saying ive worried my mum :( and asking if im pregnant lol after convincing him im not....he admits he knows something is up with me and i havent been myself for ages. So it looks like im going to be getting the help and support i need
As for cute geek i have no idea whats going to happen. i try desperately to forget about him but after 6 months of feeling love for someone its seriously hard and upsetting. when you can feel your old self dying and this new monster growing its hard to control myself. i just wanna go down there and tell him how much i miss him and want him in my life. but i know i wont be accepted back. as far as im aware he has been messing about with other girls. so i need to keep thinking he didnt care about me to the point i hate myself again. because that just makes it easier. i just blame myself
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